2007’s “Transformers” was a mindless, tasteless, overly CGI-ed and under-plotted piece of explosion-driven schlock. Not a terribly good movie, but a reasonably good time nonetheless. It’s sequel, however, refuses to take its anti-intellectualism, anti-tolerance, anti-progress, anti-humanity, or anti-cinema lightly.

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is the most aggressively bad movie I have ever seen. There may be passively worse films out there hampered by budget or meager resources, but no other film has ever managed to do so little with so much.

Director Michael Bay, not known for his subtlety, propels this mangled amalgam of badness to an unprecedented level of open disregard for characterization, emotional authenticity, basic continuity, moderation, balance, humanity or common sense.

If there was anything resembling a cohesive narrative, this is the part where I would include a brief summary of the plot in order to set the stage and contextualize the critical evaluation to follow. But since I have so little to work with I’ll skip that part and attempt to explain my utter disdain for this piece of worthless refuse as clearly and concisely as possible.

The following are my categorized and enumerated arguments against “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”:

1. Misogyny – Can you name one female character in this film that isn’t either unnecessarily and exploitatively gorgeous or a subhuman bumbling buffoon?  Yeah, neither can I.  It’s also readily apparent that Bay has never set foot on a college campus, despite what his Wikipedia page may claim.  Each female is a more grossly exaggerated adolescent male fantasy than the last.  And you’d be hard pressed to find any acknowledgment of the existence of textbooks.

2. Nationalism/Jingoism – This is the type of ignorantly nationalistic, America knows best, type of film that will find it’s way into regular rotation in the collections of the likes of Bush and Cheney.  Other countries…what are those?  Well, according to Bay, if you’re not a white American male, you only exist to be ridiculed and subsequently destroyed.  And why did Sam Witwicky’s (Shia LaBeouf) parents go to France?  For no other reason than that it gives Bay an excuse to make fun of the French, of course.  Why open your film with the indigenous inhabitants of an ancient underdeveloped nation?  So the giant robots can have something insignificant to destroy, of course.

3. Racism -The two concept Chevy bots, Skids and Mudflap, don’t simply perpetuate black stereotypes, they revel in their mockery of what is portrayed as an idiotic and inferior race.  Their baffling inclusion in the film, combined with the fact that virtually all non-whites are either brutally murdered or depicted as savages, dimwits, or terrorists, culminates in perhaps the most explicitly racist film since D.W. Griffith’s “The Birth of a Nation” in 1915, which is a far better film.

4. Anti-intellectualism – There is absolutely nothing wrong with low-brow, action-driven concepts, or broad slapstick comedy. It all has its place.  But this piece of indulgent imbecility is an embarrassment to cognition.  Fart jokes, relentlessly crass and unfunny sexual references, and minorities being mocked and killed is what passes for comedy in this piece of excrement.  ‘Revenge’ is on such an elite level of awfulness is that it may warrant inclusion in the Library of Congress as a singular catalyst of mass human de-evolution. It will likely be studied in film schools, and in anthropology, and sociology classes for years as the top scholars in the world attempt to unravel the mystery of how one man can create something so actively detrimental to the progress of life on earth.  Some may argue that this type of film isn’t meant to be taken seriously and should, therefore, be granted leniency.  So, because it was Michael Bay’s intention to be crass and stupid, that makes it okay?  What a hopelessly hollow argument.  The fact that a filmmaker has lowered his standards by no means requires us to do the same, nor should we.

5. Anti-human – Culture, after intelligence, is what many scientists believe is the one great barrier between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom.  Art, language, mathematics, philosophy, and government are singular achievements in the history of life on this planet.  We built the pyramids for crying out loud!  But ol’ Mikey only sees these great religious and political testaments to mankind’s ingenuity and determination as simply cool junk to blow up.  Furthermore, following a sequence of catastrophic destruction, mayhem, and unspeakable bloodshed, Megan Fox speaks one of the most inhuman lines ever uttered in film.  Instead of commenting on the horrific and tragic loss of  human life she can only smile and say to her boyfriend, “It took all this to say you love me.”  What?! These are the protagonists that we’re supposed to like?  No human would ever think to say something that insensitive in the wake of such mind-boggling destruction and horror.  Hey, maybe Sam and Mikaela are really transformers.  Hello trilogy!

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” may not be the worst movie ever made, but it’s definitely in the discussion.

Score: (0/5)